Are You Cool?

Ahahaha. Oh my. If you have not seen Mitch's latest literary masterpiece, check it out now. While you're reading, remember -- Sportswriter of the Year 7 freaking times. That was then. This, my friends, is now. Another useless article filled with Larry King-type unprepared questions that provide zero substance. I am almost at a loss for words. Almost.

The premise of the article is that Mitch called up his boy, Matt Stafford, QB of the Lions, for a little mano-a-mano chat. You know, two rough and tumble guys talking by phone -- Matt presumably on a Droid or iPhone, Mitch on an old attached-to-the-wall cranker. That's how the old guy rolls.

Mitch proceeds to dig deep into Matt's first year, asking, "What was it like living in a condo?" and "Did you ever get lonely?" Based on the content in Matt's answers, I don't think he was too into the convo. When asked if he'd be okay with Culpepper coming back as his backup QB, Matt replies, "That would be fine."

Why even include that in the transcript if that's all we get? The whole article is like that.

Mitch saves the best for last though, waiting to ask his Walter Cronkite-esque Pulitzer Prize-winning question until the right moment.

"How cool are you?"

Uh, what?

How cool are you? What the what kind of question is that? Stafford responds with an awkward, "I don't know. I think so."

FIN.

That's it. Are you cool. Who asks that? Couldn't it at least have been, "Are you tight? Are you chillin'?" No. Are you cool. Ahahhaa. My grandpa never even asked that.

Now, a couple things to point out: For one, Mitch fails to ask him how it felt to be booed midway through the season. He fails to ask what it was like on the field in what many called the greatest Lions performance EVER. I mean, this was a game captured by NFL Films, called the greatest piece of audio ever by NFL President Steve Sabol, and revered by Lions fans everywhere.

No mention. No question.

How about what was going through his head in that last drive, when the doctors told him he couldn't play, yet he defied them and threw the game-winning touchdown. ESPN called it one of the best games of the year.

Are you cool? That's what we get. Are you cool. No "What do the Lions need next year." No "Do you wish you would have stayed for your senior season in college?" None of that, man. Just crap. Crap questions, unenthusiastic answers to crap questions and then more crap on top.

And how about the questions that the editors took out (or so I assume)?

• Have you ever thought about having your hair cut so where the hair covers your ears?
• Are you on Facebook?
• Did you see the Simpsons two weeks ago?
• What's a Kindle?
• and...Want to be my wingman?

Mitch, you are a comedian without the wit. God bless you and your talent.

History Repeats Itself -- Mitch Doesn't Notice

It's funny -- every now and then, America's Greatest Sports Columnist Ever writes about SPORTS. True, he hasn't done so yet in 2010, choosing instead to watch himself on the Simpsons for 4 straight days.

But Mitch's last column of 2009 was indeed about sports. He tackled the fact that the 14-0 Indianapolis Colts rested their star players in the third quarter of a game against the Jets. Mitch called it a "safe move," and an "insult to the game."

On page 2 of the article, His Excellence claims that winning is what gives a team an edge, not making sure star players stay healthy. "Winning is its own momentum. You don't mess with it. You always go for it."

Interesting, sure. I have always supported the theory that players should try their hardest at all times. However, the NFL is a brutal game. The Colts had the Division and home-field advantage wrapped up, with absolutely nothing to gain but a meaningless perfect REGULAR season. Perfect seasons aren't perfect seasons if you lose in the playoffs -- just ask the New England Patriots.

Now, what's really interesting about the Colts resting players is they did it before. The year was 1958, and another Hall of Fame quarterback -- Johnny Unitas -- was at the helm. The Colts wrapped up their division by week 12, and traveled to the West Coast for the remaining two contests. And guess what? They rested their starters. GASP! The Colts dropped the last two games to the Rams and the 49ers, doing what many call "backing into the playoffs." In 1958, there were no wild card games, divisional games or conference championships. You won your division, then you played for the title. End of story. So Johnny U., Raymond Berry and all the other Hall of Famers on that Colts team sat for two weeks without playing a down.

The end of that story is that the Colts won the most important game in the history of the NFL -- the Greatest Game Ever Played.

After the resting by the 2009 version of the Colts, Mitch said "the game deserves more." Maybe spending a few minutes with the Freep's microfiche machine would have helped him discover that this is how the game has been for 50 years. Mitch -- your readers deserve more.

"D'oh! I'm famous. Woo-hoo!"

After a seven-day hiatus from both print and radio, I was expecting one of those self-serving Mitch articles I have grown to know and love. Or hate. And you know what I got this morning? A self-serving Mitch article. The world is still turning, kids.

Today, Mitch opined about his recent role on The Simpsons, which aired last Sunday on FOX. The best part is that Mitch claims he didn't know the episode was on until a "friend" called him. Please. This guy can't pass a mirror without winking, yet he "forgets" he is on the Simpsons? You didn't see the previews while watching NFL games last weekend, a sport you're actually paid to cover? Your "friends" had no idea until the actual episode was on? Even Homer isn't that stupid. Luckily, one of Mitch's "friends" had one of these new-fangled digital recording machines that all the kids are talking about, and lo and behold, he was able to see himself in Technicolor Yellow.

I kept thinking, "what might have been" if Mitch hadn't been able to see it on the DVR? It's not like they re-run shows, or make them available via DVD (which I am sure he already has a copy of). Or via Hulu. Or on the FOX Web site. Yes, Mitch, there is a Santa Claus. Those are called "active links." Click on them and you can stream the full episode! Crazy, ain't it? You can watch TV on your computer! Woo-hoo!

I also love it when Mitch plays naive, which he does once again in this article. He claims he doesn't know "Hollywood Speak," despite the fact that his book, "Tuesday's With Morrie," was turned into an award-winning made-for-tv movie. He lives half the week in New York for ESPN and gets to hang out with Oprah, yet little ol' Mitch doesn't know how the big world works. I don't get it...does he think this makes him seem like one of the normal folk? You're a star, Mitchy boy. Don't play it off like you're a hick seeing your first indoor plumbing.

And lastly, one of my favorite things that Mitch does is drop stupid, semi-relevant jokes into articles. Today's gem was this:

"...I don't know how to sue and anyhow, why sue "The Simpsons"? I like the Simpsons, the cartoon group, not, you know, O.J.'s version."

Ahahahah. O.J. Simpson. The Simpsons. I get it! You know what's really funny? I got this joke the first time I heard it in like 1996. The joke is as old as Mitch's hairstyle (why does he let his hair cover his ears?), and is another example of him using "low-hanging jokes." Just a total lack of effort. (I was surprised we didn't have a Jessica Simpson mention though. THAT would have been funny. In 2002.)

Thanks for another waste of five minutes, Mr. Albom. Now let's try to get out of bed tomorrow and write an article that requires a little thought. Something about your book being a bestseller or something, ya know?

Mitch Still Recovering

Well, it's Wednesday -- four days since Mitch made himself the Sheriff of Everything 2010. That article took a lot of blood, sweat and tears for the guy, which must be why he hasn't written since. He's still doing radio though, and after reading his show's description, I am super interested:

Picture the regular crowd from "Cheers", add a band, current newsmakers, politicians, nationally known celebrities, and film, television and stage stars and you are listening to The Mitch Albom Show broadcast weekdays on WJR.

The regular crowd from Cheers? Cheers was a great show and all, but it went off the air 17 YEARS AGO. Even Ted Danson has stopped using Cheers on his resume. Man, there's nothing that makes me want to tune into a RADIO show more than a reference to '80s television.

C'mon Mitch. Tune into Jersey Shore and bring your mindset into the 21st century, kid.

It's On, Buddy Boy

Many of those of know me also know and appreciate my disdain for the "star" sports columnist of the Detroit Free Press, Mitch Albom.

I admit, when I was a youngster, I read all the Live Albom books and thought they were kinda funny. Then, as I grew up and read more and more of Mitch's articles, I began to realize that I'd read them all before. Sure, a few words were different. But the articles seemed to be copies of ones he wrote 10 years earlier.

Basically, Mitch hits "find and replace," churns out a new column in 10 minutes, sends it to his editor from ESPN headquarters and calls it a day. Or, he rolls out of bed, puts on his size 5 slippers, writes random thoughts and collects a paycheck. The guy is also a hypocrite of the highest order, as pointed out by my favorite Web site, Deadspin.

This past weekend, Mitch wrote an article that got my blood boiling. He basically deputized himself as some sort of fictitious "sheriff" of the new year, and proceeds to crab about all the stuff that he wants gone for 2010. I ended up sending the twerp a scathing email, the content of which will be included in my analysis of his "If I ruled the world" BS article.

So, let's dive in. The points in bold are from Mitch's article. The plain text underneath features my random thoughts. If he can do it, why can't I?

Mitch's Point: "No more vampires."
Why Mitch? Because a vampire movie grossed something like $400 million at the box office? Oh, but Mitch hates vampires, so away it goes. No, it doesn't matter if you and a gazillion other people like the Twilight movies. Mitch hates it. End of story.

Point: "Airplane seats are twice as wide"
One word: original.

Point: "All adults must teach at least one child -- besides their own -- to read, until there is no more illiteracy."
First, how many kids are you teaching, Mitch? Secondly, if you are teaching, I can imagine how happy those kids are that you're teaching them the words "Tuesday" and "Morrie" every session. There are other books, buddy, like Seuss and Silverstein. Can you imagine these illiterate kids on their "Monday with Mitch?" I'd stay home from school too. The truant officer will understand.

Point: "Bye-bye, Facebook."
For this one, I reference my email to Albom, and I quote (myself):

You say, "Bye Bye Facebook" in one of your "hopes for 2010." May I ask why? Later on in your article you suggest that "teens try human interaction." Are you a user of Facebook, and do you realize it's intention is to reconnect people? Personally, I have reconnected with several friends I have lost touch with over time. Subsequently, we have met and have "human interaction." This Christmas, my sister-in-law organized a huge family gathering, all done via Facebook. Would she have called 50 people on the phone? Probably not, and if so, it would have been a lot more work. Facebook makes it easy to share pictures, send an email, organize and event and encourage other people. If that's not human interaction, I don't know what is.

And Mitch, examples like these are not rare ...most of the Facebook users I encounter share similar stories. So, saying "bye bye Facebook" actually contradicts your later wish for interaction. I was always taught "don't write about something that you really don't know anything about." It seems like you might be passing judgement on something that has truly revolutionized the way we communicate -- and not for the worse. 350 million people agree with me.

Point: "New rule: You can't play "Guitar Hero" until you learn how to actually play a guitar"
Once again, I quote my email:

Secondly, your note about "not being able to play Guitar Hero until you learn to play a real guitar." This was an easy one for you to research, and the portion of your article that disappoints me most. The interest in "real guitar" has skyrocketed since the release of GH. As a musician yourself, you should be happy that youth and adult alike are discovering, or rediscovering, musical classics like the Rolling Stones and the Beatles. As a result, they are taking lessons, buying guitars and learning to play the real thing. It's not a replacement for guitar. It's an enhancement. I encourage you to read this article -- one of many you can find via a quick Google search regarding Guitar Hero and guitar: http://guitarcollecting.co.uk/2009/12/01/guitar-hero-game-foster-interest-tn-the-real-thing/

Point: "Anyone snapping a stranger's photo with a cell phone must pay that person whatever he or she asks."
Does this include terrorists? Or criminals?

Point: "It now will be against the law to charge more than $1 for any of the following: a cup of coffee, a bottle of water, a small popcorn or a newspaper."
Dude, look in the mirror. I pay $1.50 to read your drivel every Sunday. So, if charging $1.50 is against the law, that means you are a criminal. You are guilty of being a scrawny turd who writes like a child and charges 50 cents more than the law allows. Have fun in jail.

Point: "These phrases will be outlawed: "blogosphere," "oh, snap!," "have a seat and someone will be with you shortly," and "ladies and gentlemen, Adam Lambert."
How are these even related? Out of all the phrases you could think of, these are the ones you chose? Have a seat and someone will be with you shortly? What's wrong with that?

Point: "New rules for high schoolers: can't text, can't e-mail, can't cell-phone. It's called human interaction. Try it."
Again, why? Do you want those whipper-snappers to go back to old-fashioned courting? Do you want them to schedule time on the party line to talk with their gal? Maybe they'll decide to go steady over a malt. Or maybe they can tune into Little Orphan Annie on the radio until Ed Sullivan comes on.

And why is this capped at the 12th grade? So now when kids go to college, they won't have email or phone skills? That doesn't sound like a good idea.

Mitch, times change. Communication channels change.

Last Point: "If you don't say "please," you get a noogie."
Mitch: Stop writing. Please.