Many of those of know me also know and appreciate my disdain for the "star" sports columnist of the Detroit Free Press, Mitch Albom.
I admit, when I was a youngster, I read all the Live Albom books and thought they were kinda funny. Then, as I grew up and read more and more of Mitch's articles, I began to realize that I'd read them all before. Sure, a few words were different. But the articles seemed to be copies of ones he wrote 10 years earlier.
Basically, Mitch hits "find and replace," churns out a new column in 10 minutes, sends it to his editor from ESPN headquarters and calls it a day. Or, he rolls out of bed, puts on his size 5 slippers, writes random thoughts and collects a paycheck. The guy is also a hypocrite of the highest order, as pointed out by my favorite Web site, Deadspin.
This past weekend, Mitch wrote an article that got my blood boiling. He basically deputized himself as some sort of fictitious "sheriff" of the new year, and proceeds to crab about all the stuff that he wants gone for 2010. I ended up sending the twerp a scathing email, the content of which will be included in my analysis of his "If I ruled the world" BS article.
So, let's dive in. The points in bold are from Mitch's article. The plain text underneath features my random thoughts. If he can do it, why can't I?
Mitch's Point: "No more vampires."
Why Mitch? Because a vampire movie grossed something like $400 million at the box office? Oh, but Mitch hates vampires, so away it goes. No, it doesn't matter if you and a gazillion other people like the Twilight movies. Mitch hates it. End of story.
Point: "Airplane seats are twice as wide"
One word: original.
Point: "All adults must teach at least one child -- besides their own -- to read, until there is no more illiteracy."
First, how many kids are you teaching, Mitch? Secondly, if you are teaching, I can imagine how happy those kids are that you're teaching them the words "Tuesday" and "Morrie" every session. There are other books, buddy, like Seuss and Silverstein. Can you imagine these illiterate kids on their "Monday with Mitch?" I'd stay home from school too. The truant officer will understand.
Point: "Bye-bye, Facebook."
For this one, I reference my email to Albom, and I quote (myself):
You say, "Bye Bye Facebook" in one of your "hopes for 2010." May I ask why? Later on in your article you suggest that "teens try human interaction." Are you a user of Facebook, and do you realize it's intention is to reconnect people? Personally, I have reconnected with several friends I have lost touch with over time. Subsequently, we have met and have "human interaction." This Christmas, my sister-in-law organized a huge family gathering, all done via Facebook. Would she have called 50 people on the phone? Probably not, and if so, it would have been a lot more work. Facebook makes it easy to share pictures, send an email, organize and event and encourage other people. If that's not human interaction, I don't know what is.
And Mitch, examples like these are not rare ...most of the Facebook users I encounter share similar stories. So, saying "bye bye Facebook" actually contradicts your later wish for interaction. I was always taught "don't write about something that you really don't know anything about." It seems like you might be passing judgement on something that has truly revolutionized the way we communicate -- and not for the worse. 350 million people agree with me.
Point: "New rule: You can't play "Guitar Hero" until you learn how to actually play a guitar"
Once again, I quote my email:
Secondly, your note about "not being able to play Guitar Hero until you learn to play a real guitar." This was an easy one for you to research, and the portion of your article that disappoints me most. The interest in "real guitar" has skyrocketed since the release of GH. As a musician yourself, you should be happy that youth and adult alike are discovering, or rediscovering, musical classics like the Rolling Stones and the Beatles. As a result, they are taking lessons, buying guitars and learning to play the real thing. It's not a replacement for guitar. It's an enhancement. I encourage you to read this article -- one of many you can find via a quick Google search regarding Guitar Hero and guitar: http://guitarcollecting.co.uk/2009/12/01/guitar-hero-game-foster-interest-tn-the-real-thing/
Point: "Anyone snapping a stranger's photo with a cell phone must pay that person whatever he or she asks."
Does this include terrorists? Or criminals?
Point: "It now will be against the law to charge more than $1 for any of the following: a cup of coffee, a bottle of water, a small popcorn or a newspaper."
Dude, look in the mirror. I pay $1.50 to read your drivel every Sunday. So, if charging $1.50 is against the law, that means you are a criminal. You are guilty of being a scrawny turd who writes like a child and charges 50 cents more than the law allows. Have fun in jail.
Point: "These phrases will be outlawed: "blogosphere," "oh, snap!," "have a seat and someone will be with you shortly," and "ladies and gentlemen, Adam Lambert."
How are these even related? Out of all the phrases you could think of, these are the ones you chose? Have a seat and someone will be with you shortly? What's wrong with that?
Point: "New rules for high schoolers: can't text, can't e-mail, can't cell-phone. It's called human interaction. Try it."
Again, why? Do you want those whipper-snappers to go back to old-fashioned courting? Do you want them to schedule time on the party line to talk with their gal? Maybe they'll decide to go steady over a malt. Or maybe they can tune into Little Orphan Annie on the radio until Ed Sullivan comes on.
And why is this capped at the 12th grade? So now when kids go to college, they won't have email or phone skills? That doesn't sound like a good idea.
Mitch, times change. Communication channels change.
Last Point: "If you don't say "please," you get a noogie."
Mitch: Stop writing. Please.
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